Effectiveness

Coercion versus Respect

On May 22, 2014 / Effectiveness, Relationships

A colleague emailed me the following paragraph from a book she’s reading called Bringing Home the Dharma: Awakening Right Where You Are by Jack Kornfield. The passage provides a great story about how coercion breeds defiance.

“With acceptance and respect, problems that seem intractable often become workable. A man began to give large doses of cod liver oil to his Doberman because he had been told that the stuff was good for dogs. Each day he would hold the head of the protesting dog between his knees, force its jaws open, and pour the liquid down its throat. One day the dog broke loose and the fish oil spilled on the floor. Then, to the man’s great surprise, the dog

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How to Really Appreciate Teachers

On May 8, 2014 / Effectiveness, Learning

Teacher Appreciation Week is in full swing, and on teachers’ desks across the country you’ll see trinkets and baskets and other items that parents, students, and even administrators have given them to show them some thanks.

While I certainly believe in appreciating others, and all the tokens given are indeed welcome, I have another suggestion for showing our nations’ teachers some appreciation: Pay them what they’re worth, end industrialized testing and teaching, and invest in providing teachers with the necessary supplies, resources, and tools they need to actually teach. That’s how we show that we appreciate teachers.

What do you think? How should we really show teachers our appreciation and acknowledge how vital they are to our country?… >>>

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Positivity Tips that Reduce the Need for Discipline

On May 6, 2014 / Discipline, Effectiveness

For many people, mastering the first principle of Discipline Without Stress—positivity—is a challenge. After all, how do you keep positive in a discipline situation when a student is doing something he/she shouldn’t be doing and quite possibly testing your nerves?

It’s important to think, speak, and act with positivity in order to be most effective when you implement the Discipline Without Stress system. Even when a situation might be perceived as negative, as in a case where discipline is necessary, it is possible to phrase communications with students in positive rather than negative ways.

Why is this so vital? Because people do best when they feel better about themselves, as opposed to when they feel worse. Additionally, student cooperation … >>>

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Does Less Play Mean More Discipline?

On May 1, 2014 / Discipline, Effectiveness

More and more kindergarten teachers tell me each year, “This is the worst group of kids I’ve ever had.”

Does this ring true for you too?

The reason teachers have this perception is that young children do not have the social skills that children developed in prior years. In many communities and schools today, kids are deprived of opportunities to engage in play activities that prompt both creativity and successful social relationships. Instead, they are engaged in developing academic skills (many boys of whom have not yet developed cognitively enough to be successful).

This push for academics at an early age (some children are being pushed to read by age 3!) is at the expense of promoting empowering self-images and … >>>

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Bring Discipline Without Stress to Your School … for Free

On April 29, 2014 / Discipline, Effectiveness

Did you know that any school in the United States can receive free materials of the Discipline Without Stress approach? Simply go to http://disciplinewithoutstress.org/ and complete the application.

This highly successful discipline and learning system uses an approach that does not prompt counterwill. In fact, this approach achieves what every teacher desires but rarely accomplishes: separating the act from the actor, the deed from the doer, a good kid from inappropriate behavior. There are two reasons for this.

The first is that counterwill, the natural human tendency to resist coercion, is totally bypassed.

The second is that it also bypasses the natural tendency to defend oneself. Whenever a behavior is directly addressed, the natural tendency is to protect oneself. With … >>>

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Is a Treat the Same as a Reward?

On April 22, 2014 / Discipline, Effectiveness

Many teachers and parents who read and implement Discipline Without Stress and Parenting Without Stress often ask if giving children a treat once in a while is the same as giving them a reward.

Here’s a useful distinction to keep in mind: Rewards are always tied to some condition, whereas treats are given unconditionally. In other words, if you simply give a child a cupcake or a small toy, that’s not a reward. But if you say to the child, “If you do X, I’ll give you a cupcake,” then that’s a reward.

Realize too that the nature of the actual item being offered has no bearing on whether it can be considered a reward or a treat. A glittery … >>>

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Key Points about theLevels of Development

On April 15, 2014 / Discipline, Effectiveness

Before implementing Discipline Without Stress in their classroom, many teachers ask me, “What are the most important things I should know or review before getting started?”

Keeping the four-part Discipline Without Stress Teaching Model in mind, here are some critical understandings with regard to the Levels of Development:

Levels A and B are always unacceptable. Choosing to act (either consciously or non-consciously) at these levels will result in the use of authority by the teacher.
Don’t quibble with a student over determining whether a certain unacceptable action was at Level B or Level A. It doesn’t matter—both levels are unacceptable.
Don’t get derailed trying to figure out WHY a student chose to do something that was unacceptable. Harsh

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Does Discipline Without Stress Really Reduce Stress?

On April 3, 2014 / Discipline, Effectiveness

People often ask, “Does the Discipline Without Stress model really reduce stress? How is this possible?”

Here’s my usual reply:

None of the three phases of this discipline approach—teaching, asking, or eliciting—prompts stress on the part of the teacher (or the student).

When a student misbehaves, the USUAL discipline approach is to tell, threaten, and/or punish. Each of these approaches is coercive and often results in some resistance. When a student does not obey, stress and aggravation escalate.

Discipline Without Stress is proactive in that four levels of social development are TAUGHT. This automatically sets the teacher up to use simple cognitive learning theory: teaching (first phase) and then checking for understanding (second phase).

Reference is always made to the … >>>

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How to Turn Praise into Acknowledgment

On March 27, 2014 / Effectiveness, Responsibility

Most people were raised hearing praise statements, and now that they are adults they give praise to their children and students today. However, as is discussed in Discipline Without Stress and Parenting Without Stress, acknowledgments are far better than praise. But how do you turn off the urge to praise? How do you turn praise into productive comments that encourage and acknowledge all who are choosing to do the right thing? After all, sometimes, it seems to be an automatic reaction to say “Good job!” just for the sake of saying something.

Realize that changing praise into an acknowledgement is nothing more than a ‘twist’ in thinking, a small adjustment in how you phrase things. Instead of heaping on … >>>

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A Calm Approach to Discipline

On March 25, 2014 / Effectiveness, Relationships

I recently read a story about a woman whose job is to help difficult teens in the foster care system “settle down” so they can successfully function in a regular family. She has a unique method of working with the teens that, as others say, seems to “work miracles” with these difficult youths. I was amazed at how similar her approach is to the Discipline Without Stress methodology. Here’s what she does:

She said that in her mind, she chooses to think of these disturbed young people as “aliens” who have come from another planet. She pictures them as beings newly arrived on earth—with no idea of how this world works. She treats them as she would treat any foreign … >>>

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How to Tell Others that You Don’t Use Rewards

On March 18, 2014 / Discipline, Effectiveness

Teachers often ask me how they can explain to their peers that they are not using rewards in the classroom any longer. Some are even fearful of the conversation. After all, it seems that so many teachers and parents rely on rewards and punishments as their preferred discipline methods.

If you’re experiencing this concern, here’s how one teacher overcame it. Her experience is very insightful and may inspire you to do the same.

A Teacher’s Experience:

Sometimes it just helps to know you’re not alone in your thinking. In my case, once I had read enough on the topic and had developed a strong sense within myself that I personally no longer wanted to rely on rewards to discipline, I … >>>

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Encourage Neat Work Habits without Using Rewards

On March 11, 2014 / Effectiveness, Learning

Getting children to care about their school work and do things neatly can be a challenge. As a result, many teachers offer rewards to encourage neatness. This, of course, is counterproductive, because it doesn’t instill the self-discipline to focus on producing neat work. Here are a few options to try instead of resorting to rewards.

Talk about neatness. Whatever you put your focus upon will increase!
Talk proactively. In other words, before a lesson begins discuss with the students what a great job would look like. This helps those children who really have no idea of what a good job looks like and it helps the other students who might not care too much about neatness otherwise. It sets everyone

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Rewards versus Paychecks

On March 4, 2014 / Discipline, Effectiveness

When it comes to the topic of using extrinsic rewards with children (such as money or stickers), people often say it’s okay because it’s the same thing as an adult getting a paycheck at the end of the week.

In reality, it’s very different.

Employment is a social contract. A person (the employee) provides a service, and in return the employer gives remuneration. The only thing a fee for service has in common with rewards (as acknowledgments or as incentives) is that they both MAY involve legal tender. When was the last time you looked at your paycheck and thanked your employer for the reward?

Additionally, would you go to work every day if you didn’t get paid? If you … >>>

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Stop Enforcing Rules

On February 27, 2014 / Effectiveness, Learning

If a child breaks a rule, what is the parent or teacher’s natural tendency? To enforce the rule and dish out consequences (discipline) as a result of that rule being broken.

But if a child doesn’t follow a procedure, what is the adult’s natural tendency? To teach that procedure—to restate it, to seek understanding, to coach, to correct.

That’s a big difference.

Unfortunately, too many parents and teachers today are relying on rules rather than teaching procedures, and as a result they’re making their parenting and/or teaching journey much more difficult and stressful.

If your objective is to empower children, to motivate them to put forth effort in their learning, and to have them want to behave responsibly, referring to … >>>

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Focus on Success

On February 19, 2014 / Effectiveness, Parenting

No one is good at everything. We all have our strengths, and we all have our weaknesses. Children are no different. Why, then, do so many teachers and parents expect perfection from their children in all areas—straight A’s in school, a star athlete, cast as the lead in the school play, volunteers in the community, plays the piano, etc? Some even go so far as to discipline a child for a weakness, by imposing a punishment if something isn’t up to spar or offering a reward if the child “tries harder.”

Of course, we should have high standards for youth. As Henry David Thoreau said, “Men are born to succeed, not fail.” Renowned psychologist Abraham Maslow agreed with this concept … >>>

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The Three Tenets of the Discipline Without Stress Model

On February 17, 2014 / Discipline, Effectiveness

If you’ve read this blog for any length of time, you know by now that I discourage the use of imposed punishments, rewards, and telling as discipline strategies, and instead take a more stress-free approach to teaching and parenting. In fact, my parenting and teaching model is called Discipline Without Stress, and the three tenets of the model are positivity, choice, and reflection—all of which need to be fed. Doing so not only reduces stress, but it also increases parental and/or teacher effectiveness and improves relationships. Why? Here’s a brief synopsis of each.

Practice Positivity: Negative comments prompt negative feelings. Positive comments engender positive feelings, reduce discipline issues, and promote responsible behavior. Parents and teachers who are effective

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What to Say to Disruptive Children

On February 5, 2014 / Discipline, Effectiveness, Parenting

Whether in the classroom or at home, all children act out at times. When it occurs, rather than discipline them by imposing a punishment if they continue or promising a reward if they stop, try a few verbal techniques that promote responsibility in the youth and reduce stress for you.

Rather than telling the child that he or she is off task, not doing something correctly, or acting irresponsibly, ask the child to reflect on the level of chosen behavior of the Raise Responsibility System’s hierarchy.
Children with short attention spans have a difficult time getting started on a task and staying on a task. Therefore, give clear, concise, directions. In the classroom, rather than just say, “Get ready

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