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5 Keys to Improve Relationships

On August 23, 2016 / Blog, Reduce Stress, Relationships

Most people want to improve relationships with those in their life. Unfortunately, relationships (whether with friends or family) are often a cause of stress for many. Whenever diverse personalities are involved, miscommunications and mishaps are bound to occur. If you’d like to improve relationships with others, here are 5 keys for getting along with anyone.

1) Focus on issues, not personalities.
Many people unknowingly use trigger words that can disable a conversation and may ultimately destroy a relationship. Such words as “dumb,” “stupid,” and “unprofessional” criticize the person, rather than the content of their ideas or specific actions. How many times have you said to someone, “That’s a dumb idea”? A better approach would be to cite alternatives to the … >>>

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A Biblical Interpretation and Stress

On August 21, 2016 / Blog, Reduce Stress, Stress Management

Here is an interesting biblical interpretation.

The King James Version of Psalm 23, “The Lord is My Shepherd,” contains the phrase: “I will fear no evil for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”

The “rod” in this context, refers to the governing of flock so they don’t wander. The flock refers to sheep, but metaphorically it refers to people.

There are some who use the biblical reference of the “rod” to justify using spankings as a primary and frequent form of discipline—as in “Spare the rod and spoil the child.” This phrase is a modern day proverb that means if a parent refuses to discipline an unruly child, that child will grow … >>>

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Compensation Is Not a Reward

On August 18, 2016 / Blog, Reduce Stress, Stress Management

500_F_54422632_D9xdngl2zzWKf7jpudWADUmySXRxrGjv A common response I receive at my presentations on the topic of rewarding relates to the idea that people will only work if they are given a reward. This idea that dangling money and other goodies in front of people will “motivate” them to work harder is the conventional theory in our society. But the fact is that compensation is not a reward.

There are two assumptions here. The first is that people would not work if they were not rewarded. The fact that many people volunteer and invest time in learning skills without compensation puts this idea to rest. In addition, studies on employment conclude that as long as compensation is at a satisfactory level, one’s salary rates among … >>>

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Stress and Consistency

On August 16, 2016 / Blog, Reduce Stress, Stress Management

Being consistent can reduce stress levels.

“Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.” This quote, attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson, is a very odd thought to put to print. Did Emerson actually write this? After all, he did write the classic essay entitled, “Self-Reliance.”

When you look around, it is rather obvious that, quite contrary to what Emerson seems to have suggested, consistency is a hallmark of logic and efficiency. What, then, could a man of Emerson’s caliber have meant when he attributed consistency to that of a small mind?

If we go back to the original source of the statement in his essay, we find the problem. Emerson actually wrote,

“FOOLISH consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, … >>>

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What Do You Want in Life?

On August 16, 2016 / Blog, Effectiveness

Three_options_-_three_choices_scheme What do you want in life? It’s a difficult question, for sure, and one that can easily cause stress when you’re not sure of the answer.

Not getting what you want in life is frustrating. Yet it occurs often. One of the reasons we do not get what we want is that sometimes we are a lot clearer about what we don’t want than about what we do want.

For example, have you ever had a conversation like the following:
Friend 1: Where do you want to go dinner tonight?

Friend 2: Well, not that Italian place. We ate there a few nights ago.

Friend 1: Okay, how about the Mexican place?

Friend 2: No, I don’t want Mexican tonight.… >>>

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Parenting without Rewarding

On August 13, 2016 / Blog, Discipline, Parenting, Reduce Stress

If you find that disciplining your children and fostering a sense of responsibility in them is stressful or unsuccessful, the use of traditional parenting approaches may be the problem. Why? Because traditional parenting approaches—including lectures, rewards, and punishments—rely on external motivators to change the child’s behavior and for obtain obedience and compliance.

Telling young people what to do, rewarding them if they do as expected, and threatening or punishing them if they don’t are counterproductive, increase stress, and diminish strong parent/child relationships.

Whether the approach is telling-based, rewards-based, or punishment-based, the bottom line is that it’s manipulation, which is never permanent. All of these approaches are something you do to another person and have little long-lasting effect. This is in … >>>

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Stress and Driving

On August 9, 2016 / Blog, Reduce Stress, Stress Management

Stress levels can be elevated by your driving habits.

Many recent scientific studies have shown that congested traffic conditions can heighten stress levels in drivers. The longer the distance one has to drive, the more dramatic can be the level of a person’s stress.

When experiencing stress, you may be affected totally—not only in your body but also in your emotional reactions, your personal thoughts, and your relations with others.

Sometimes it takes an unwanted experience to change driving habits. I know this from an experience I had after receiving a California Highway ticket a few months ago.

Southern California has carpool lanes that can only be crossed when the pavement has white lines. As I was impatiently driving in … >>>

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Reflective Questions Make Interactions Less Stressful

On August 9, 2016 / Blog, Responsibility

Asking reflective questions is the key ingredient to making interactions with youth less stressful. Whether you are a parent, teacher, or someone who interacts with children on a regular basis, you’ll find that reflective questions reduce tension, defuse frustrating situations, and promote responsible thinking in youth.

Asking reflective questions becomes easier with practice. Initially, when you decide to embark on this path, the process can seem difficult. Some teachers and parents actually make a chart of the reflective questions offered in the book, Discipline Without Stress (p. 19-20). They carry the list of questions with them and pull them out to review when the need arises. Remember, it doesn’t hurt for there to be a pause (as you formulate a … >>>

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PBIS, Rewards, and Deming

On August 4, 2016 / Blog, Classroom Management, Discipline

demingprize This article is about PBIS, using rewards to control, and how they contrast with W. Edwards Deming’s approach of collaboration being better than competition for improved learning, responsibility, and empowerment.

Chances are that you own a product manufactured by a Japanese company. Before WWII, Japanese products were referred to as cheap junk. Bur today you own a Japanese product because of its quality. The person who changed this was W.Edwards Deming, an American who was put in charge of reconstructing Japanese manufacturing after that war. The most prestigious Japanese award today is the Deming Prize. You can read about Deming’s approach in the Phi Delta Kappan cover article:

Dr. Deming described 14 Points for improving quality. He was firmly committed … >>>

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Reduce Stress by Analyzing the Risks

On August 3, 2016 / Blog, Reduce Stress, Stress Management

Any time we engage in an activity, we are taking a risk. This is how we live our lives—from getting out of bed in the morning and not losing our balance so we don’t fall—to crossing the street and hoping a car doesn’t appear from nowhere to hit us.

Now with this in mind that we are always taking risks, let’s look at a procedure that we can use when we ponder taking a risk that we have not taken before.

The process of risk taking is not complicated. To reduce anxiety and stress, just analyze the situation.

Before embarking on an undertaking, examine the venture, and answer these questions:

What is the best thing that could happen as a

… >>> READ MORE >>> →

Stress and Opposing Viewpoints

On August 2, 2016 / Blog, Relationships

We are in the midst of a major election year in the United States. Even though we still have three months until Election Day, I can already see the heated communications from people of all walks of life. And the one thing all these conversations have in common is stress. Because of the opposing viewpoints of the candidates and the population in general, discussions can quickly escalate. Friendships can be lost. And family members can pit against each other.

Even when you and other person have opposing viewpoints, you can have a civil conversation that does not involve stress, yelling, or strained relationships. The key is to accept the other person’s point of view.

Realize that accepting the opposing viewpoint … >>>

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Vision, Success, and Stress

On July 26, 2016 / Blog, Reduce Stress, Stress Management

One of the great approaches to successful living and reducing stress is to develop positive visions.

For example, suppose I lay a plank on the ground. Almost anyone can easily walk on the plank from one end to the other. But if I were to raise the plank 10 feet off the ground, how many people do you think would get across it without falling? I would guess quite a few people would fall off the plank.

Why can people walk the plank when it’s on the ground but not while it’s elevated? A prime reason is that when the plank is on the ground, people imagine success. They vision that they can accomplish the task. Off the ground, there … >>>

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Perfectionism and Stress

On July 19, 2016 / Blog, Reduce Stress, Stress Management

Perfectionism and Stress

Perfection is a goal that humans should not strive to achieve because it can prompt a crippling condition or an overly critical self-evaluation.

A goal of excellence can be reached. But perfectionism, the striving for flawlessness and setting excessively high standards, is too often a burden.

A focus on perfection has opened pathways, for many young people in particular, to live with the idea that they have to be perfect for people to accept them—especially with young girls who develop anorexia nervosa and bulimia.

With young people as early as kindergarten age, perfectionism can become so tyrannical that they develop anxiety attacks. This leads to the thinking pattern that they cannot perform or engage in the activity … >>>

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Stress and Perception

On July 14, 2016 / Blog, Reduce Stress

Stress is related to perceiving life as manageable or unmanageable. Circumstances present problems or challenges—depending on our perspective. Up close, the earth looks flat; from outer space, it’s round. The difference is in the perspective. Similarly, without our being mindful of what is happening, we are creating our own perception of reality that often leads to stress.

Anticipation or anxiety can lead to stress. The human mind is so powerful, the connection between perception and physiological response so strong, that we can send off the flight or fight response by merely imagining ourselves in a threatening situation. This ability can be a source of power or an invitation to illness.

When I asked my family physician, “What are the effects … >>>

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Action Without Thought

On July 13, 2016 / Blog, Reduce Stress, Stress Management

When I was a young teen-ager, I had a clear glass covering the top of my desk in my bedroom. From time to time, I would collect thoughts that made an impression on me and place them under the glass so I could review them.

The quote I remember most came from Bernard Baruch, an advisor to presidents—among his many other achievements and contributions.

I quote him:

“I believe above all else in reason, in the power of the human mind to cope with the problems of life.

“To nothing so much as the abandonment of reason does humanity owe its sorrows.

“Whatever failures I have known, whatever errors I have committed, whatever follies I have witnessed in public or … >>>

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The Best Approach for Solving Disputes

On July 12, 2016 / Blog, Relationships

One of the most successful approaches to solving disputes and reducing stress comes from the Native American aphorism: “Before we can truly understand another person, we must walk a mile in that person’s moccasins.” Before we can walk in another person’s moccasins, we must first take off our own. This means to perceive as with the other person’s eyes, hearing, mind, and spirit.

Misunderstandings between people cause much stress. That’s because one of the deepest desires of humans is to be understood. But how do you do it? The “Talking Stick” is one approach. One reason for its success in solving disputes and problems is that it uses something tangible. The “stick” can be a spoon, a stuffed animal, or … >>>

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The Real Key to Personal Development

On July 7, 2016 / Blog, Effectiveness

When it comes to personal development, many people rely on goals to help them achieve new levels of success. Unfortunately, if they don’t reach their stated goal, they experience much stress. While goals are indeed a great tool for personal development, focusing on a goal does not prompt feedback and can increase stress. Therefore, a more effective approach to personal development is to focus on behavior and, more specifically, procedures.

For example, let’s assume that you want to improve your free throws in basketball. Setting a goal of how many you can make in a row will not be as helpful as a procedure for keeping your elbows in and following through. If you miss a free throw, you can … >>>

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Your Subconscious and Expectations

On July 5, 2016 / Blog, Reduce Stress, Stress Management

Whether you expect to succeed or expect to fail, your expectations become self-fulfilling prophecies.

When you expect failure, you communicate your expectations to your subconscious mind. Your brain accepts the notion and prompts your actions as if you will fail. You actually program yourself to do the things that will lead you to fail. This creates anxiety that contributes to stress and negative feelings.

In contrast, when you expect to succeed, you prompt your subconscious to succeed.

This optimism and positivity may lead to many things, including an extra effort that could be the difference between success and failure and the move to seek out people who can contribute to your success. In short, your subconscious can be the spark … >>>

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