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Effectiveness

The Key to Communicate to Influence

On April 7, 2011 / Effectiveness

Every so often messages and stories are repeated in order to bring them back to our attention.

Often we are not conscious of the power of our communications.

The words and phrases we use in our daily interactions have three major influences:
(1) They influence how we think and experience the world,
(2) They shape the way others see us, and
(3) They determine how much cooperation and success we have with other people.

We can use words which are landmines–which will blow up our odds of getting cooperation–or we can be persuasive in a positive way. For example, if I introduce a phrase with the word, “unfortunately,” it conjures up that something bad will follow. I have communicated in … >>>

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Eliciting Consequences and Attachment

On March 10, 2011 / Effectiveness

A interesting conversation revolved around ideas and strategies about how to most effectively influence others to change their behaviors.

This discussion led to the concept about how eliciting a consequence is more effective than imposing one. As Dodie and I were conversing, she related the following incident about her son, Paul, when he was six years old:

He and two other kindergarten boys got into a tussle on the playground, and they were also disobedient. Paul knew that if I ever got a call from school about his behavior, it would be met with disapproval.

When I went to pick him up, he said right away, “What’s my punishment going to be?”

I said to him that he knew what … >>>

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Changing Our Direction

On March 1, 2011 / Effectiveness

There is an old story about the U.S.S. Enterprise that was traveling along the Eastern seaboard. It saw a light in front and thought that the ship was going to collide with the other ship. So the Enterprise sent a signal for the other ship to travel in a different direction. “We are the U.S.S. Enterprise and you are on our course. Please go south.”

A message came back, “ We cannot move.”

A second message was sent. “We are the U.S.S. Enterprise. If you don not move, we will collide.”

Another message came back. “Sorry, we will and cannot move.”

A last message was sent. “We are the mighty U.S.S. Enterprise. If you do not change course, we will … >>>

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Listening and Improvement

On February 15, 2011 / Effectiveness

One of the most effective practices is to listen as if you were the other person who is talking.

For example, looking at a situation from my wife’s point of view benefits me. We settle what could be a disruptive situation a lot quicker and more effectively than if I looked at the situation only from my point of view.

This is a conscious choice that I make. When I do this, I get better results than when I do not. I practice an alertness to situations where I can employ this technique so that it becomes a “habit of mind,” as Dr. Art Costa refers to it.

I feel good when I take charge of my own behavior because … >>>

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Having Fun with Letters and Numbers

On February 9, 2011 / Effectiveness

Business, government, and—unfortunately—even educational leaders have fallen into the simplistic approach that accountability equals test scores. Dr. W. Edwards Deming, the American who brought true quality to the workplace and who was a statistician by training, commented that the most important characteristics cannot be measured.

Here are some characteristics which make for success that high-stake testing do not measure: character values, creativity, thinking, motivation, ambition, persistence, humor, reliability, politeness, enthusiasm, civic-mindedness, self-discipline, self-awareness, empathy, leadership, and compassion. The most important characteristic has not been mentioned, and here is how you can have some fun with it.

If
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W … >>>

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Unlocking Ourselves

On January 31, 2011 / Effectiveness

A story about the legendary escape artist, Harry Houdini, demonstrates the danger of mistaken assumptions. According to the tale, Houdini began his career by traveling throughout Europe visiting small towns and challenging the local jailer to bind him in a straitjacket and lock him in a cell. He had no trouble until he reached a small Irish village. In front of a crowd of townspeople and newspaper reporters, Houdini easily broke free of the straitjacket, but he failed to unlock the cell.

After everyone had left, Houdini admitted defeat and asked the the jailer to release him. Then the jailer confessed the trick. He had never locked the the cell door, and Houdini never pulled on the unlocked door before … >>>

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Using Empowering Language

On January 27, 2011 / Effectiveness

Taking conscious control of self-talk can act like a magic wand to shift to empowering and controlling mental states. Young people can be taught to self-talk in enabling and self-powering ways. Phrases such as “prompts me” and “stimulates me” can be substituted for the powerless “made me” and “caused me.”

Additional words that reduce “victim” thinking are references to “influence,” “persuade,” “arouse,” “irritate,” “annoy,” “pique,” and “provoke.” These words do not give away power; they merely describe the effect on oneself.

Instead of thinking, “The task is too difficult,” young people can be taught to take charge by eliminating the “too” and by changing the word “difficult” into “challenging”—as in, “The task is challenging.”

Another more subtle language pattern is … >>>

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Language Shapes Behaviors and Feelings

On January 24, 2011 / Effectiveness

Language helps shape behavior.

Give young children a cookie and say to them, “I will return in a few minutes and will give you something else if you haven’t eaten the cookie until I return. ” If you were to watch the young ones through an observation window, you would see some youngsters talking to themselves attempting to control their impulses. Those without language skills will be seen making all kinds of contortions and movements in attempts to control themselves.

Control is easier with appropriate language.

In his classic, futuristic novel, “1984, ” George Orwell makes the point that language shapes thinking. If there were no word for freedom, the concept would be difficult to communicate. Language not only assists … >>>

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Diffusing a Negative Reaction

On January 10, 2011 / Effectiveness, Relationships

Very few people enjoy being challenged. When we hear an opinion different from our own, a natural tendency is to be defensive. The reason is that we interpret our position as being criticized or, at least, not being recognized.

A simple way to turn this situation into an advantage is to ask yourself, “What can I learn from this person’s opinion?” The attitude of inquisitiveness enhances learning and diminishes chances of any negative, reactive feelings.

In addition, asking the following question may give insight into the other person’s thinking: “How did you come to that conclusion?”

Learning the thinking and/or thought processes of the other person often clarifies—in addition to diffusing the urge of a negative reaction.… >>>

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Telling vs. Asking

On January 5, 2011 / Effectiveness, Parenting

No one likes to be TOLD what to do. Think of a time when someone told you what to do or told you that you had to do something. Notice how it conjures up a negative feeling.

I grew up with a friend who, when told what to do by a parent, would find an excuse NOT to do it. Even if it was something he wanted to do, such as going outside to play, he would find an excuse to stay indoors just because he was TOLD.

Depending upon the other person’s mental frame at the time, when we tell a person what to do—regardless of how admirable our intentions—the message is often PERCEIVED either as an attempt to … >>>

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Success and Making Progress

On December 20, 2010 / Effectiveness

Success isn’t always about winning. This is a very important point for parents to understand.

A woman having lunch at a small cafe was seated next to a family celebrating their son’s basketball game. Their conversation was so lively that the woman joined in. “You must have been on the winning team,” she said.

The kid grinned from ear to ear. “No, we lost by 20 points. The other team had a killer defense. We were only able to make one basket.”

Did YOU make the basket?” she asked.

With his mouth filled with cake and ice cream, the boy shook his head “no.” His father reached across the table to give him a high five. His mother hugged him … >>>

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Looking for the Gold

On November 23, 2010 / Effectiveness

The following is one of my favorite stories in my parenting book in the chapter describing the practice of positivity.

Andrew Carnegie, the first great industrialist in America, at one point had 43 millionaires working for him. A reporter asked him how he hired all of those millionaires. His answer was that none of them were millionaires when he hired them.

The reporter inquired, “Then what did you do to develop them so they became millionaires?”

Carnegie responded that you develop people the same way you mine gold.

He said, “You go into a gold mine and you expect to remove tons of dirt to find an ounce of gold. But you don’t go into the mine looking for the … >>>

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Empowerment Brings Effectiveness for Parents and Teachers

On November 15, 2010 / Effectiveness

QUESTION:

I hope you can help me with my strong-willed daughter. She is very bright and got herself into some difficulties by not wanting to obey her first grade teacher.

RESPONSE:

Explain to the teacher that your daughter is extremely independent and that the teacher will have more success—and reduce stress on everyone’s part—if the teacher aims at EMPOWERING your daughter, instead of overpowering her in attempts to get her to obey.

Encourage the teacher to talk in positive terms and use a phrase such as, “I know you can do this because I have seen how capable you are.”

If you daughter is empowered, obedience will follow as a natural by-product.… >>>

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Viewing Problems As Challenges

On November 9, 2010 / Effectiveness

The late Norman Vincent Peale once said, “There is only one group of people who do not have problems, and they are all dead. Problems are a sign of life, so the more problems you have, the more alive you are.”

Although a tongue-in-cheek philosophy of life, there is some truth to this pronouncement. Some people have relationship problems, others financial, some career, others health, some social, others business. No one is immune to problems in life.

Problems are not positive or negative. In a sense they are neutral depending upon how you choose to see them and your responses to them. Epictetus made the point more than 2,000 years ago: “People are disturbed not by events but by their … >>>

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The 15-Minute Rule

On November 8, 2010 / Effectiveness

She was a vibrant picture of health and an inspiring speaker. The audience was stunned to see a slide of her when she was morbidly obese. She had lost 125 pounds and spoke about how diet and exercise saved her life.

The question was asked what she did when she wanted to go off her diet and when she didn’t feel like exercising.

She described her 15-Minute Rule. She explained that when she had a craving for something that she knew she shouldn’t eat, she told herself, “I CAN eat that, but I will wait 15 minutes.”

Invariably something happened in those 15 minutes that got her mind off food. She would make a phone call, check her e-mail, write … >>>

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Refelction, the Key to Influence and Successful Parenting

On November 2, 2010 / Effectiveness

A key strategy to parenting and influencing others is to be a good listener.

But there is a paradox to this skill because in order to have influence with another, the influencer has to be open to being influenced. Simply stated, the more a person is open to others, the greater is the ability to influence. This may seem a paradox, but if you understand this paradox, you can be more effective in influencing others.

Here is the point: Listening can also refer to oneself. Warren Buffett, the ace stock picker and empire builder, gives credit to his partner, Charlie Munger, for the Orangutan Theory:

“If a smart person goes into a room with an orangutan and explains whatever his … >>>

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Living a Balanced Life

On October 26, 2010 / Effectiveness

Perhaps one of the biggest challenges most of us face is knowing how to live a balanced life within a 24-hour day. To do so requires some discipline.

Between our employment, learning to improve our skills, inundation from the media, the attraction of the Internet including e-mail and blogs, so many good books to read, wanting to get enough sleep, maintaining social relationships, and the list goes on and on, balancing life is a challenge. How do we do it? It is no wonder that seminars on time management, books on simplification, and even garage and even closet organizers for all the “stuff” we accumulate are selling so well.

One way to become more effective is to evaluate how we … >>>

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A Coercive vs. a Noncoercive Approach

On October 18, 2010 / Effectiveness, Relationships

Jim Cathcart (author of RELATIONSHIP SELLING and the ACORN PRINCIPLE and a sought-after international speaker) relates how he worked in the mountains in Arkansas repossessing vehicles when payments were not made on the loan.

Needless to say, he and what he was about to do, were not welcomed by the mountain men. As Jim was about to be ushered off the property, he would say, “OK, I’m leaving.” Then he added, “But look out for the guy who comes next time.”

“What do you mean?” would be the response. Jim then would describe that since he was not successful in getting any money towards the payment of the loan, the guy who would come collecting next was twice his size, … >>>

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