Conflicts between teenagers are inevitable. The key is being able to resolve the conflict in a way that promotes discipline and responsibility. Here’s an example of what one parent wrote in: I have two sons, ages 13 and 15. They fight all the time. It’s not just a punch here and a shove there; it escalates to a down-and-out brawl! My older son tells me that I favor the younger. I try to be fair, but my older son likes to “pick, pick, pick” at the younger one. My younger son has a quick-fire temper; he just can’t ignore the “picking.” He retaliates. When they each tell me how a fight started, they both have a different story. Whom do
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Self-disciplined people make a point to think before they act or speak. They think about where each particular choice will lead—to something positive or negative. They think ahead to see if they are going to be satisfied with the consequence that a particular choice will bring. If they are satisfied, they go ahead in that direction. If not, they think again and choose to act or speak differently—in a way that will bring a consequence that they can more happily accept. So, how do you help a child become more self-disciplined? The key is to hone the skill of asking reflective questions—questions that prompt the child to think. It’s not necessary for the youngster to tell the parent what the
READ MORE >>> →Acknowledgments encourage and motivate. They serve to give recognition without the disadvantages of giving praise. Praise has a price. It implies a lack of acceptance and worth when a youth does not behave as the adult wishes. Using a phrase that starts with “I like . . .” encourages a young person to behave IN ORDER TO PLEASE THE ADULT. By contrast, acknowledgments affirm while fostering self-satisfaction. Notice the difference in the following examples: “I am so pleased with the way you treated your brother,” versus “You treated your brother with real consideration.” “I like the way you are working,” versus “Your working shows good effort.” “I’m so proud of you for your grades,” versus “Your grades show you are
READ MORE >>> →Human beings, especially of the male gender, are competitive. Competition is a natural part of our culture. Newspapers, magazines, and other media are full of information on business and sports, both based on competition and highlighting “winners” who receive rewards in some form. No one can doubt the importance of rewards as motivators. However, as with anything in life, context is critical. Because competition and rewards spur performance, does that mean that competition is also best within a family? Is it wise for husbands and wives or siblings to compete? Or should they collaborate for the benefit of the family team? The topic of reward comes up often in this blog. And as past posts explain, rewards can serve as
READ MORE >>> →Posture training, in which teachers are taught to correct their children’s manner of sitting, is considered a “traditional” approach to education. A classic example of the importance of learning the self-discipline of posture training is described in a Master’s thesis by Ann Matthews, entitled Implications for Education in the Work of F. M. Alexander. (The “Alexander Technique” is a famous approach to good posture.) Matthews worked with teachers and students in a school in New York State. She wrote the following: “A teacher calls her six- and seven-year-olds to gather around her on the floor and listen to a story. Most sit cross-legged with their spines collapsed into a curve and their heads pulled back onto their necks as they look
READ MORE >>> →Here is an important concept for all parents to remember regarding relationships: Not losing is more important than winning. Children’s desires will not always be fulfilled, but as long as they are aware that they have a choice as to their responses, they are not put in a position where they feel that they lose—which naturally prompts negative feelings. No one likes being cornered, literally or figuratively. The belief of not having a choice encourages resistance because it prompts a feeling of being trapped. When a child is without options, the result is not only resistance but also resentment. By contrast, offering choices ensures that a child’s power and dignity are retained. As a parent, you are choosing a losing
READ MORE >>> →You can utilize three approaches to discipline yourself to handle anger. They are: (1) You can let the emotion express itself (and thereby become a victim of it); (2) You can inhibit it (and live with the stress); or (3) You can control it by redirecting your attention. The most successful approach is the third alternative. Redirecting your thinking controls any emotion because emotion always follows cognition. Your self-talk or thinking—along with input from your senses (what you see, hear, taste, smell, or touch)—becomes your awareness. Therefore, redirecting your thoughts automatically controls your emotions because emotion follows your attention. This is not new. My grandmother told my mother to clean the stove when she was angry. Of course, what occurred
READ MORE >>> →The ultimate goal of discipline is self-discipline—the kind of self-control that underlies voluntary compliance with expected standards. This is the discipline that is a mark of mature character and that a civilized society expects of its citizens. Unfortunately, many adults rely on external methods to “control” children. These include rewards, punishments, lecturing, and telling. While teachers and parents who engage in these external methods of control may succeed in getting students and children to toe the line under their supervision, what happens when the adults is not around? As one teacher who uses external controls said, “My students are very good for me, but they can be holy terrors when I’m not around.” Research points to the same conclusion: Children
READ MORE >>> →Reducing stress with disagreeable people requires some education and self-discipline—as indicated in the following comment that was sent to me from a reader of my free monthly newsletter. The article referred to follows his comment. “After reading, ‘To accept yourself fully is to recognize that not everyone you meet will like you and that you will never be perfect,’ I gave myself an assignment: Look forward to an encounter with that Disagreeable One in my day. Now I was ready with my changed attitude: I didn’t have to win that person over. I could shrug it off and not keep emotional baggage. It was liberating and allowed me to find other times for making a working job relationship. I discovered that
READ MORE >>> →I came across this poem recently and thought the overall message fit nicely with the themes contained in the Discipline & Parenting Without Stress models. Children Learn What They Live by Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D. If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn. If children live with hostility, they learn to fight. If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive. If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves. If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy. If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy. If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty. If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence. If children live with tolerance, they learn
READ MORE >>> →Promoting Responsibility & Learning – Volume 13 Number 1
#3 I “don’t” beats I “can’t”
#5 Expectations and success
#7 A child who has no will
I often come across articles about how an incompletely developed brain accounts for the emotional problems and irresponsible behavior of teenagers. Is this true, or is it a myth? It is true that teenagers, by virtue of their hormonal changes, are prone to be emotionally volatile, unpredictable, self-absorbed, and hypersensitive. However, the IMMATURE BRAIN that supposedly causes teen problems is nothing more than a myth. Most of the brain changes that are observed during the teen years lie on a continuum of changes that takes place over much of our lives. In addition, some of these myths are based on studies of brain activity of teens as compared to adults. But snapshots of brain activities have nothing to do with
READ MORE >>> →MIND YOUR THOUGHTS FOR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT Your thoughts turn into words.Be careful of the words you use. The words you use can prompt your actions.Be careful of how you act. Your actions can easily become your habits.Be careful of your habits. Your habits shape your values.Be careful of your values. Your values shape your character. You are in large part the result of yourThoughts, words, actions, habits, values, and character.
READ MORE >>> →Offering youngsters choices is a key part of Parenting Without Stress. The choices parents offer can be either “limited” or “unlimited.” Limited choices allow the child to select from a restricted number of options offered by the parent, whereas in unlimited choices, the child is encouraged to come up with an option of his or her own. Generally, the younger the child, the more limited the choices. For example, “Do you want cereal or an egg for breakfast?” would be a limited choice, while “What do you want for breakfast?” would be unlimited and more appropriate as children mature. However, if the response to an unlimited question is not practical, the choices can again be limited. In situations when only
READ MORE >>> →If learning is what we value, then we ought to value the process of learning as much as the result of learning. By nature, people are attracted to activities where they feel free of psychological or emotional pain. Learning is promoted in a climate where people feel safe and cared for. The adage, “People don’t care what you know until they know you care,” is applicable. When working with one middle school, William Glasser stated, “The teachers stopped almost all coercion—an approach that was radically different from the way most of these students had been treated since kindergarten. When we asked the students why they were no longer disruptive and why they were beginning to work in school, over and
READ MORE >>> →QUESTION: How do I handle denial? I have several 5th grade students who deny their behavior. Even when I directly observe their Level A/B behaviors, they deny everything. I find this stops every conversation I try to have with them. It’s so frustrating! How can I guide students toward responsibility when they are in denial? RESPONSE from a member of THE DWS MAILRING: I’ve encountered this problem as well. Here are three ways that I deal with it: 1. During an after-class chat with these students, instead of saying “When you were throwing pens….”, I might say, “If someone was throwing pens during a lesson, what level would that behavior be at?” This way students aren’t directly confronted. Initially, I often get the response, “I wasn’t throwing pens.”
READ MORE >>> →Teaching Edgar Guest’s poem will assist kids’ character development. It Couldn’t Be Done Somebody said that it couldn’t be done, But he with a chuckle repliedThat “maybe it couldn’t,” but he would be one Who wouldn’t say so till he tried.So he buckled right in with the trace of a grin On his face. lf he worried he hid it.He started to sing as he tackled the thing That couldn’t be done, and he did it. Somebody scoffed: “Oh, you’ll never do that; At least no one ever has done it.”But he took off his coat and he took off his hat, And the first thing we knew he’d begun it.With a lift of
READ MORE >>> →Stress may be silently sabotaging kids’ success in school. A little stress is good. It heightens alertness and improves performance. But as stress exceeds a certain level, distress emerges and has a negative effect on both learning and performance. Here are a few examples of how stress can turn into distress according to learning theory: 1. Continually speaking to kids in negative terms 2. Relying on rules and imposing punishments, rather than teaching procedures 3. Continually promoting obedience, rather than promoting responsibility 4. Using coercion, rather than encouragement, empowerment, and inspiration Reflecting on how your communications effects teaching and learning can help reduce distress.
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