Relationships

Telling the truth may not be comfortable, it may not make you look your best, but it’s a sure way to good relationships.

Dr. William Glasser, the originator of “Reality Therapy” and “Choice Theory,” believes that attempts to change others by using “external control psychology” are doomed to fail.

He refers to such “external approaches” as the “seven deadly habits.” He lists them as: criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing, and rewarding to control.

To prove his point, just respond to the following:

How do you feel when someone criticizes you?

How do you feel when someone blames you?

How do you feel when someone complains to you?

How do you feel when someone nags you?

How do you feel when someone threatens to do something to you?

How do you feel when someone punishes you?

How do you feel when someone offers … >>>

I have heard it said that the three most powerful words are, “I am sorry.”

Far more powerful are the words, “I love you” or “Please forgive me.”

But the the “golden question” will improve relationships even more:
“What do you suggest?”… >>>

This country has a serious dropout problem.

I share with you a little of what I shared in my keynote at the International Association for Truancy and Dropout Prevention Conference.

Every September about 3.5 million young people enter the 8th grade. After four years, about 505,000 drop out. That's an average of about 2,800 per day. Picture this: Every school day more than 70 school buses drive away from schools filled with students who will never return.

Not returning to school is not an event; it is a process.

Show me a school dropout, and I'll show you a young person who has not established positive relationships at school.

Many dropouts start negative self-talk early in their school careers. I … >>>

Here are some random thoughts on improving relationships:

Logic prompts people to think, but emotion prompts them to act. Communicate on both levels.

Focus on the behavior or comment that prompted upsetting or negative feelings—rather than on the person.

Share your feelings about the effects of what someone does or says. It’s healthy and aids relationships to say, “That comment really hurt me.” If you don’t tell the person what is bothering you, you may not fix what really is just a misunderstanding.

Don’t universalize a specific. If another person acted rudely, that doesn’t make the person an ogre for a lifetime.

Describe breakdowns as “mutual” difficulties or challenges, rather than as something inflicted upon you by another person.… >>>

In a presentation before the academic year started, I had participants visualize the following scene:

It is your child's very first day of school. When you, as the parent, meet the child after school this first  day, what would you say or ask your youngster?

I received responses such as, "How was your day?" and "What did you learn?" I continued to ask and the following question invariably arose: "Do you like your teacher?"

We intuitively know that the heart has to be engaged before the head is ready to learn. If the child has negative feelings toward the teacher, the child's entire year will be affected—and perhaps future years in school as well.

Regardless of any system or silver … >>>

If someone interrupts you while you are working on something and have that mental momentum where you are in a state of flow, take just a moment to write down some key words that later will bring you back to your thought.

If the interruption is at a lower priority than what you are engaged in, here is how to diplomatically deflect the interruption without hurting the other person’s feelings. It is a four-step process.

Start with “I WANT TO . . . .” (1st part)
I want to talk with you about it.

“AND I NEED TO . . . . ” ( 2nd part)
And I need to finish this before I do anything else.

Ask a question. … >>>

We all know that the best advertising is a referral. When you see an enjoyable movie or read a good book, there is a natural inclination to share what you have enjoyed. The same holds true for learning. If you have learned something, there is a desire to share it with others.

Please take a moment and reflect on your successes with the teaching model of  (1) understanding the differences between discipline and classroom management, (2) using the three principles to practice (positivity, choice, and reflection), (3) the three parts to the Raise Responsibility System (teaching, asking, and eliciting), and (4) using he Hierarchy of Social Development to improve academic performance.

If by using these you have become more successful … >>>

Following are some ideas how you can you say “No!” without saying “No”:

1. Acknowledge the importance of the request.
“I understand why that’s important to you.”

2. Inform the person that you have a problem with it.
“But I have a problem with it.”

3. Describe the problem as you see it.
“Your doing that would mean it would put a burden on everyone else.”

4. Elicit from the person something else.
“Let’s think of something that would be fair to everyone.”… >>>

In August 1986, Lee Iacocca, the president of Chrysler, was about to address his dealers at the company's annual convention held in Atlantic City, NJ. Iacocca's message was based on telling his dealers how they could increase their business in the next year. To succeed, he said, "All you have to do is memorize four words. Here they are: Make someone like you."

The truth of the matter is that you cannot MAKE someone like you—but you can certainly INFLUENCE a person. And the most effective way to influence a person is gain trust by being noncoercive.

Just think of anyone you call a friend. Chances are you do not try to coerce that person and that person does not … >>>

I was brought up on the principle my mother instilled in me, “If you can’t say anything nice about a person, then don’t say anything at all.”

This counsel grew into the first principle of my life’s practices: positivity—described in my book as the first principle to reduce stress.

In building relationships, negativism is the biggest enemy. You don’t want it in your mind. You don’t want it in your house. You don’t want it in your environment. You don’t want negativism for those who may work for you, your friends, or your associates. You don’t want anything to do with it. When you see it, either turn around and run the other way, or ask the person how the … >>>

Relationships can come with disappointments.

Suppose for example that as a subscriber you are inspired to write me prompted by something I wrote. Suppose also that I did not respond when you expected a response. Your natural reaction to my non-response is a “turn-off” towards me.

Cognition and emotion are so integrated in the functioning of the brain that they cannot be separated. Cognition prompts emotion, and here is a simple example. My lack of a response prompts a negative emotion that generates negative thoughts about the “total me.” I am “written off.”

It is possible that I never received the e-mail—that it is out in the Ethernet someplace, that my filters considered it spam because of the title the … >>>

If you work to make your spouse lose so you can win, then you need to ask yourself a question: Do you really want to live with a loser?
—W. Edwards Deming… >>>

The human appetite is insatiable. You know this if you are a parent. An infant's first three spoken words are "mommy," "daddy," and "more."

This is a paradox in humans. If we focus on total satisfaction, the result becomes dissatisfaction because our desires are rarely satiated. Some people never achieve enough money, time, food, gambling/gaming income, or whatever else they desire.

If we allow ourselves to succumb to our natural appetites, happiness eludes us because it is the nature of life to want more. However, a person oriented to happiness is satisfied when reigning over this natural desire.

A relationship with oneself will never be optimal without this paradoxical realization. Each of us has a responsibility to have a good … >>>

Classifications help us to clarify thinking and communications. We often hear reference to left and right brain hemisphericity, personality types, learning styles, and various intelligences. Yet, the MOST FUNDAMENTAL classification dealing with fellow humans has to do with the emotional part of our brain and its influence on cognition.

The fight, flight, or freeze syndrome originating deep in the amygdala of the brain affects decisions we make. In dealing with others, it prompts a mix of emotion and cognition. It instinctively translates into classifications, such as friend or foe? Are you likeable? and Am I willing to be influenced by you?

One approach for gaining rapport with others relies on the awareness of this phenomenon. We can discipline our … >>>

Assume everything you say about another person can be overheard by that person.… >>>

As a teacher, I've been on a journey my whole 12-year career and I'm finding parenting is a similar type of journey.

I am reading the book right now and have already tried some things on my 3-1/2 year old daughter this weekend. I have quite a strong-willed child who has hit the terrible 3's. (The 2's were so much easier for my husband and me.) I've always used choices with her for discipline, which makes life simpler, but I didn't use contingencies—just, "If you don't clean up then you can't go to the park." Saying, "If you clean up, you can go to the park," sounds so much better and works much faster with her. But I have to … >>>

From an e-mail I  received:

Your comment about discipline and how to work with youngsters reminded me of a time when my son, Adam, was two years old. Every thing out of his mouth was No, No, No!

My husband had just had it with him and said, “Adam, don’t you say ‘No’ to me again; I’ve had enough young man.”

Adam looked at him, full of steam and said, “NOT!”

I couldn’t help but start laughing. You are right. “Not” doesn’t have the same effect as “No.”

Thanks for bringing that back to mind.

Sabrina Boehm… >>>